Is there anyone else out there that has a smoke detector that goes off when you don't want it to? Like when you're cooking? You know, boiling water, frying some burgers, making coffee, baking a quiche (yes, real men make quiche), microwaving popcorn, or even thinking about microwaving popcorn? Or even when your neighbor is having a cigarette (and I'm using the rural definition of "neighbor," as in someone a minimum of 500 feet away)? We have one of these. More accurately, we had one of these. It was destroyed in the fire. Interestingly, in a "beat your head off a cement retaining wall" (i.e. the rubble) kind of way, sometimes these highly-sensitive pieces of technology fail to go off when actually needed. We've been told the battery was probably dead, thanks to the number of times we make pasta, I guess. Thank God the neighbor was out having a cigarette. Smoking may kill him but not us.

Ok, for reasons that I don't need to discuss, I had the opportunity to discover that petroleum jelly has an expiration date. An expiration date! You're kidding me! This can't be real. It must be part of a planned obsolescence or marketing strategy to make us buy more. I mean, it's PETROLEUM jelly…you know…petroleum, that stuff that takes millions of years to form underground. And you're telling me this stuff goes bad in 6 months. I don't think so.

So, needing a higher authority on this one, I checked with my Mom. She confirmed that she used the same jar on me as a baby that my Grandmother used on her. It's part of our family legacy now, handed down as part of the inheritance from one generation to the next…house, land, furniture, jar of petroleum jelly. As time goes on, it must gain value because it's becoming an antique. It will likely be the most valuable thing I inherit. I'm set to get it when my parents pass on. Maybe the petroleum jelly eases the passing from this world to the next??

The other day I was watching NASCAR (hey, I'm a Southern boy, NASCAR and swamp buggy racing are part of my genetic make up) and I was thinking, what if everybody had corporate sponsorship at work? We musicians get endorsement deals for gear. Olympic athletes need sponsorship and professional athletes have endorsements. Logos are everywhere, but nowhere are they as numerous as with racers. There isn't a square inch of their fire suits that doesn't have a patch sewed on (I just hope the patches are fire resistant) - I think it's one patch for every part of the car. I just have this image of a man or woman in a business suit at the office with the same number of patches - the copy machine company, the paper supplier, pen maker, stapler manufacturer, computer company (hardware and software), furniture company…the list is endless. We are valued consumers so we should be paid for using all products. Let's reverse the economy!

P.S. I've noticed lately that all my thoughts seem to end with a fist in the air…I really need to cut down on my caffeine...

I have realized lately (see above) that I keep having these thoughts and ideas that end with my fist in the air and some inane catch phrase or slogan. I also attributed this to my caffeine consumption. Therefore, I am putting forth the hypothesis that social activism and calls to revolution are directly related to caffeine intake. I mean, people are all jazzed up and hyper with the caffeine buzz so they want to change the world. The youth movement against the G-8 and globalization can be directly traced to the latte and espresso boom of the 1990s. Look at all the social and political unrest in Central and South America, where they grow coffee. The youth movement has a base in Seattle, or the West Coast generally, with a plethora of coffee shops. Coincidence? I think not.

As proof, just consider the opposite side - the marijuana legalization movement. Have you ever seen a more laid back bunch of activists in your life? They have protests where they sit in parks and smoke up. Cops don't even arrest them half the time. Actually, to be an "activist" I think you need to be "active" so perhaps this isn't the best comparison. Anyway, I think it's safe to say we can never count on the marijuana movement to change the world, unless we run out of snack foods.

What the hell is all this bull about "carbs?" Everywhere you go, everyone is getting on this no carb bandwagon. I heard an ad the other day for beer that was boasting about how it was low carbs….beer!! I have this suspicion, this gut feeling - call it psychic intuition - that anyone who is a beer drinker probably doesn't give a damn about carbs and is likely consuming that beer with copious amounts of pizza and every other form of carb going. Beer drinkers aren't a subset of the health movement - so give it up…and pass me a beer!!

Ok, enough with this reality television stuff. I find myself watching these creative types transforming homes into shrines for high-end furniture and electronics, and taking people from regular to magazine cover material. Who can afford all this? Ok, well I can, but not everyone can. And who made these people style gurus anyway. Perhaps I like an old comfortable recliner…maybe that ugly lamp was a present from my grandmother...and sweat pants are COMFORTABLE! So when are we going to see regular people taking back the airwaves?? I want to see the ultimate revenge..."Straight Eye for the Queer Guy." YES!! Get rid of all those matching pastels…bring in plaid…get that artistic crap off the wall and put up photos of your friends and family…pile dirty clothes on the floor…get a few milk crates for books…deep fry something…bring in the fleece clothes...get rid of all those "beauty products" (I've never exfoliated in my life)…Ivory soap and non-conditioning shampoo. We want to live in the real world, not an art gallery. The majority needs its due. It's time for a revolution!!

What's the deal with food products that have "may contain" on their ingredient list. Shouldn't we expect a somewhat higher degree of precision from the people that manufacture the damn thing? If they don't know, who does? Shouldn't we expect more than some schmoe in the packaging department hazarding a wild a guess while sucking on a doobie…"may contain nuts" - it also may contain nuclear waste, factory original auto parts, yak testicles, small pox and the artist formerly known as Prince…and it may not. Hey, where's Larry?…"may contain Larry"…weiners- may contain mechanically separated beef, pork and chicken - what the hell does this mean? Whatever happened to be unfortunate enough to trip and fall into the production line that day…

Mat Shoal - "I don't love Raymond!!"